Emma Update!
This has been a very interesting year.
hello everyone
Around six months ago, I wrote my last “ Emmy Update!” When I wrote this last update, there was a lot going on in my personal life. At the time when I wrote this last piece, I was in a terrible place emotionally. I know there is no way I can convey “ what it was really like,” my experience, but I would absolutely describe it as objectively horrible for my mental-health. In this update, I described my situation and my plan to move to a different state, the state in question being New Mexico.
So that was nice — but yeah, I still want to move and not much is going to change this. I needed to move before and this has only furthered that need. Anyway, around April 14th I will be heading to Albuquerque New Mexico to finally begin my life as a free woman outside of the South! I cannot speak to the excitement that I have. It really feels a lot more like an escape than a move, and I am completely exhilarated — I know it is only two weeks but I want to be there now!
She was absolutely correct to be excited, I love it here!
Well now, I am in New Mexico (baby) and seemingly all of my dreams have come true. I have tons of friends, I have never known so many people in my entire life. My best friend, who I met on my first day here, is a transgender programmer who is also a socialist. What are the odds? For the most part I feel welcome in this community. For crying out loud, I even have a boyfriend, and he’s handsome. This has all been such a relief and so wonderful, my biggest regret is wasting so much time everywhere else.
going forward
Despite all of these goals being accomplished, I unfortunately did not get blessed with a warm light and raised into the heavens to begin my eternal ascension — no, I am also unfortunately still alive, which means my perception of this whole time thing is still happening… Which means I am bored. Inevitably, the dreams only get larger and the goals only broader.
This leads me to my conclusion, I cannot stand homeless people. The reality is that we have thrust natural beings into an entirely unnatural world filled with unnatural things that are unprecendented in nature. To expect everyone to function fine, or rather: work 8–12 hours a day, in those circumstances to me seems absurd. There are a lot of homeless people in Albuquerque. Somebody needs to do something. I am just one person, this is a systemic problem I cannot fix it by myself. To me, this is the most frustrating feeling that exists. It is such an easy problem to solve, and we are actively choosing not to in order to keep property value high.
I would describe my dream as helping these people. My substance is not determined by some arbitrary measure of fortitude, such as capitalist success, I want to make a change in the lives of others… I think with that, I want to have my own type of halfway house for those who are suffering from addiciton and houselessness. Furthered, not just a halfway house but a community. A large swath of New-Mexican property covered in accommodations for a ton of people. This is my dream, to be able to get these people what they need.
That is of course pretty dreamy and overwhelming, but in a way I am still working towards this goal. I have at least saved up a little bit of money to prepare for this type of land purchase.
blog, software, and stuff
I have seriously been neglecting the work I do online recently, and I am sorry this is the case. I work a lot and do a lot of other things, it can be really hard to find the time to sit here and crunch out three blog posts or so a day. This is, however, what I really want to do. This is my creative work. Nothing but the progression of Science could be more important to me than this work. I have tried many times to set myself up with a consistent schedule; setting a certain goal for articles a day and simply not stopping.
I find that to be incredibly difficult to be consistent about. This is the last time I will say this, but I am going to do three a day. I really do not want to let you all down this time, and I am going to do my best not to!
On the software front, we are sitting on a somewhat hilarious cliffhanger. I have been working on my main project right now for over a year and it is inches from being done. This project’s release is kind of a big deal to me, creating the project took a lot of effort and a lot of trial by error. I really dedicated my life to this project for sometimes an entire week at a time. That being said, watching it come to fruition is very exciting but watching it not be released is very frustrating. That being said, I am obviously going to be continuing my software efforts.
I think that my central problem with all of this stems from bipolar. I feel like sometimes I cannot do this at all and other times it is the only thing I can do. It is certainly possible to pump out a lot of content during a week long manic spell where I only sleep twice, but it is the consistency of doing this each day — as if it is my job — which stresses me out. I feel that I have been given a platform and an audience and then my own personal barriers have hindered me from providing the other end of that exchange. After all, that is the agreement. You read, I write. I am not holding my end of the bargain and that is what I would like to do. This is the objectively just decision, but of course my human emotional mind does not work this way. Wish me luck on these new articles and the code I am about to dive back into! More stuff coming soon. I appreciate you, everyone.
