I also agree that (regardless of the conclusion or outcomes,) these conversations have value.
mental health and control
To your first point; yes, experiences are subjective. Observations are obtained exclusively through your own peripherals. The problem is that you are assuming everyone has the same peripherals. I.E. there is an objective reason why someone experiences negative emotion that is not subjective. I think the notion that this is completely in someone’s control is absurd — ultimately, there is a chemical reaction taking place that is out of your control; the only thing in your control is what you choose to do with it.
While just changing your thought process might work for you, are you going to tell an autistic person that they just need to change their thought process to be happier? Of course not, that is how their brain works, it is subjective to them, and of course you cannot understand it because you are not them. Even if I was depressed and what helped me was “ getting more sun,” this still doesn’t mean that “ getting more sun” is going to solve these sorts of issues for everyone. You are implying that everyone has the same neurochemistry, but there are thousands of different variations from person to person in how both the brain and its release of different hormones and other chemicals.
To some degree, I do agree that the weight these words hold in our head is often attributed to the power we ourselves give them. However, I think it is an enormous step to take that and then apply it to every emotional situation. Especially ones which involve things like societal shunning, or personal bullying, which can often be emotionally traumatic — not only for us, but for most animals that live in societies, as well.
Furthermore, this also assumes that all of the issues that transgender people face are in regards to their emotions. Saying something like “ don’t give them weight” doesn’t work when you are being assaulted, and I hope you can understand that many transgender women face the challenge of getting assaulted. You say in your response “ No one should experience ANY negative experience in their life.”
As if nothing external has influence on negative experiences. As in, I have had negative experiences where I have been assaulted for example — even if I was following this “ it’s all in your head” thought pattern, that does not stop me from getting assaulted. As I stated in my other article, transgender women are 4 times more likely to experience such assaults. Furthered, I don’t think that something like getting disowned by your parents for your personal identity is something you can just get over. Also, I don’t think that is something that would be very healthy to get over.
To me, it sounds more like repression than an actual solution. The words are going to hurt me either way, the only thing that changes is whether or not I feel ashamed to talk about it because someone told me “ It’s 100-percent my fault that I feel this way,” and essentially blamed me for my own dysphoria associated with these experiences.
top or bottom
Actually I liked your points on this, and I am very much in agreement with you. However, I am not drawing this conclusion based on the content of the question, but rather the question itself. Explain to me why then when we just talked about cisgender women, we used the term “ pegging,” rather than “ topping.” If a man asked me if I wanted to “ peg him” instead of if I am “ a top or bottom”, then the problem is removed; that would be perfectly fine.
However, by using the terms top and bottom I feel as if they are applying there is no default for me. Just as we have already agreed on, the default for a ciswoman is bottom — so then why is that not my default? The confines of traditional gender, man and woman, exist to create expectation. While it does not explain the full story of course, it should create a default. Ultimately, this is part of what I consider the purpose of identifying as a woman; I don’t want to be told “ You are handsome, Emmett,” as people would a man, I want to be told “ You are pretty, Emmy.” And that is an expectation that should be drawn from the fact that I identify as a woman.
That IS the point of the identity, because otherwise I would just be non-binary. Not because I am non-binary, but just because the confines of “ woman” describe me well, and if I did not want to be part of those confines, I would not identify as a woman. I am not trying to say that all women have to hold this characteristic, but it should not be implied that a transgender woman is less-likely to have this characteristic than a cisgender woman. Just as you said, you probably would not ask this to a cisgender woman — because of their sex. Implying that I somehow fit the traditional standards of being a woman worse than a cisgender woman because I am of a different sex.
I guess that perhaps I worded this wrong in my original response. It is not the purpose for presenting as a woman, but instead for identifying as a woman — I want for people to be able to interpret what kind of words and phrases to use with me. This includes things like he, she, it, but also includes things like saying something like penis or clit versus saying a more masculine word like cock, or dick. The purpose of the gender identity is to give the proper expectations, so to me it is puzzling whenever certain aspects of that identity are not respected properly.
I am not describing the person who says as transphobic, or a transphobe. I am describing the question as transphobic. The rhetoric itself is transphobic. Because I believe that language implying transgender women are gay men is transphobic. Not only do I think that, but most explanations of transphobia tend to include a discussion on misgendering as a feature of transphobia.
Things can be transphobic without the person saying them being transphobic. Just like people can say things that are racist without actually being truly racist. However, this does not discount that what they said is transphobic; even if their intentions are pure.
If someone calls me a “ fag”, it is not just homophobic but it is also transphobic — because they are implying that I am a gay man because I am a transgender woman — which I think you would also agree probably fits the definition of the adjective “ transphobic.” Top and bottom does the same kind of thing, because it discredits my identity and the typical sexual roles that are associated with that gender identity.
Don’t get bothered when men say “ will you fuck me in the ass,” either. It is purely in circumstances where it implies that I am gay. Because I am not gay. I am simply transgender — and the top or bottom question implies that I am not simply a woman, but am in fact more related to a sexuality and the nature of homosexual sex rather than a woman, something I am not involved in.
heteronormative sex = only heterosexual sex?
As you predicted, I am not trying to imply that there is anything wrong with wanting sex that is “ not heteronormative” (we say that but cave women were probably shoving bones up cavemen’s butts), or that this somehow becomes non-heterosexual because of the “ route of administration.”
If there is something you wouldn’t do with a cisgender woman but you would do with a transgender woman, then you are implying that the way that you should treat these members of the same gender group is different based on their sex. That would imply that transgender women do not need to be treated like other women, because in some way they are different. I say this is transphobic because you are misgendering a transgender woman if you are not treating her as you would a woman, but as a man instead.
the pen is mightier than the sword!
We can sit here and pretend that words have no effect on emotions all day, but words always convey emotion and words can definitely make people feel emotion. Have you never heard someone speak words that are absolutely heart-breaking? Or have you ever heard a song where the introspection of the lyrics makes you cry?
While I am thankful you do not have these sorts of emotions and are able to get over things easily, that does not mean I am just like you. You are failing to see past your own subjectivity, I think. I am not just like you. I am a sensitive person. I can’t change that, trust me I would much rather not think about any of my emotions at all; but I cannot just “ will them out of fruition.” You don’t think I have tried?
i don’t really let it bother me…
Another misconception is that I am anything but annoyed whenever a man sends me “ are you a top or a bottom.” When they say that, I don’t think of it any further than leaving them on read or not talking to them again. However, this is still because I believe the question was transphobic, regardless of how upset I am not over the issue. I think you can sense that this is something that just annoys me as opposed to something that makes me upset simply by the way I talk about it; I’m not sad, I have more of a “ fuck this guy” type of reaction. As you said, this is a problem with them, not me.
However, just because it is not a problem with me still does not make it any less transphobic. It does not make it imply that I am transgender, rather than homosexual. The two are already mistaken for each-other quite enough, so then to have this reinforced by the phrases that people who want to be with me are using is transphobic, because it is enforcing a misgendering misconception about that being transgender is somehow related to sexuality.
Honestly, I think it is kind of crazy to read someone else trying to educate me on what “ transphobic” means. I know what the word means, also I very much disagree with this assertion that it is over-used.
“ Why are you taking such expressions as though you are a male?” The male part is irrelevant, the expressions are implying that I am different to a woman — because nobody asks “ top or bottom” as their first DM to a woman unless they’re a lesbian. Even if you wanted your prostate enjoyed by a ciswoman, you wouldn’t say this. This phrase is generally used for homosexuals or those attracted to other genders on the spectrum.
Most cisgender women probably don’t even know what top or bottom means, so why do I have to?
you don’t understand my reasoning
Am I saying that I think that every man who says this is “ fetishizing me as a man who dresses as a woman,” my point is that they are making a distinction between me and other women — on the grounds of having different genitalia (which also, if they were actually aware of would know What if I don’t have a penis? This further illustrates why identities are helpful in creating expectations, because it is also possible that I don’t have the parts to do such a thing.) If there is a distinction between me and cisgender women, my sex and a cisgender woman’s sex, then you are implying that I should have different standards when it comes to being asked “ top or bottom” than a cisgender woman. That is in fact misgendering, because I identify as a woman, so I should be treated the same that you treat other women… Not as a trans woman, because if you are treating a trans woman with different standards to a cisgendered woman, then you are implying that we are not the same gender as cisgendered women.
If this is the case, then you are not thinking of me as a woman, otherwise you would treat me as you would other women, so what are you thinking of? Well, from my gay friends I know that the phrases “ top and bottom” are typically used within the gay and lesbian communities to describe sex positions. But I am not gay, or lesbian…
You can say that this is all internalized, but the first time a “ he” or “ boy” accidentally slips out during sex, you question everything about how this person is perceiving you and your sexual relationship. If I am perceived in this way by my significant other, it is unfair to me — even if they were completely able to pretend this is not the case.
penises?
I agree with you on penises — though I certainly never made a point to debate this (as I am in complete agreement.) I also just don’t have a penis, lol.
My point whenever I said that the “ Only 40-percent of the people are people who actually treat me the way I want to be treated” is just to illustrate that people with respect for these kinds of things are much more rare than people without. I am, in fact, appreciative of the people that make me feel gender-affirmed. That does not mean that I do not dislike whenever someone says something that is not gender-affirming.
I am also very obviously not “ focusing on these men.” I think it is pretty obvious that I either don’t give them the time of day, or as I stated — am a total bitch to them. Sometimes appropriately, and sometimes not. If anything, this an immediate reaction to never talk to them again. I merely sought to provide some insight into what I consider to be “ chasers” and what I don’t like about how men approach transgender women. It’s very disrespectful, to discount our identities and what expectations that should provide in the name of asking some sexual question for your own gain?
A quick analogy
When you are not part of a social group, and cannot understand the nuances involved with different rhetoric having different effects on a general feeling of a gender-affirming community, I find that analogies often do really well to illustrate points in a new light that might provide more context and understanding. Rather than focusing on the sex position, let’s focus on hair.
Like sex position, whether you like it or not there are going to be gender-expectations of people’s hair depending on their identity. If I ask you to picture a woman in your head, you probably picture someone with long hair in most cases. Likewise, if I asked you to picture a man in your head you would likely picture someone with short hair. These are expectations associated with gender identities, and they in fact define exactly what a gender identity is.
So then, if I were to message a cisgender woman — sight unseen — I would probably assume that they have long hair, and probably wouldn’t even ask. Now instead of that, let us assume that they are transgender, and you ask the question “ is your hair long, or is your hair short?”
You are implying that they are less likely to achieve the standard feature of a woman’s identity because they are male and not female.
Not every cisgender woman has long hair, of course. Just as not every transgender woman prefers to receive rather than give. However, it is the fact that you are creating different expectations between transgender women, implying that it is more likely a transgender woman will prefer to give rather than receive, and implying that most transgender women do not fit the bounds of that role — which most of us do, and most of us do not want to top anyone.
is the frustration worth it?
No, the frustration is not worth it — but it is so easy to get right. It isn’t that hard to use gender-affirming language when talking to a transgender person — especially one you are supposed to be interested in. I don’t feel I am the cause of the frustration when most of the men who message me want to assume that I am not going to fit the roles of my gender because of the genitalia that they are assuming that I have. If that wastes anyone’s time, it wastes my time; because I already provided you with an identity that tells you exactly what you should expect from me unless I say otherwise, they are the ones who are ignoring all of that and treating me as if I am different from that identity that very clearly aligns with those things.
“ Why do you think it is that men and transgender women are bumping into mismatches, Emmy,” Honestly, I am not sure if I would say that transgender women and their partners’ relationships are significant in this way. I think cisgender heterosexual couples have the same problems. If you are referring to sexual mismatches, then I think the problem is probably that men are often assuming I am going to want to have my genitals touched, I want to give to them, or what have you — when this is not what my gender would typically dictate. If you assume that I “ can do it both” and am somehow different to a woman because (you think) I have a penis, then I would definitely describe that as a transphobic belief to hold. Because the majority of people who identify as heterosexual women cannot “ do it both,” purely as a component of their gender expression.
I think it also becomes more frustrating whenever people reiterate that this is a problem with us, rather than a problem with the people approaching us. Honestly, if anything I was not sharing this for me — but I was trying to help you to understand where we are coming from. Because 9/10 if you send the “ top or bottom” message to a transgender woman it is going to result in you getting ghosted or called a chaser. I could care less if you continue to be dismissed by the majority of transgender women, my sole intention was just to explain why I personally label people as “ chasers” and choose to ignore a certain sub-set of men who are clearly not thinking of me on the same level as what I so clearly wear.
reaching out
I feel as if this rift, at least for me personally is only felt with certain people. I have men where I have conversations that go completely fine. My former/future nesting partner right now is a great example. He has never treated me in a way which did not affirm my gender. He understands my identity at the forefront, and he knows this to be the default expectation. Still, he has dated more masculine transgender women that are capable of doing both — the difference is he does not assume that this is the case for all transgender women, or common. In fact, it is extremely uncommon.
What I am trying to say is that in a lot of ways I don’t feel this way about men as a whole. It is almost like there are two different groups of people, people who understand me very well and know exactly how to treat me — and people who do not. The people that do are the 40-percent. So I do not know who is “ supposed to reach out” or how two groups would consolidate such a relationship. I would say though that not all men are at odds with just treating us like cisgender women.
the case of the crossdresser
Crossdressing — why is this a fetish? A fetish is defined as “ A form of sexual desire in which gratification is strongly linked to a particular object or activity or a part of the body other than the sexual organs.” The only thing I would add to that definition is that the gratification also is not linked to gender. While fetish has a negative connotation for some, I am not intending to give crossdressing or those interested in crossdressers a negative connotation by saying that this is a fetish. Nothing is wrong with something being a fetish, or even having a fetish, everyone has fetishes (except liars.) I’ll overshare:
Massochism.
Just because something is a fetish does not mean it is a valid attraction. Just because someone has a foot fetish does not mean they are not attracted to feet, quite the opposite. I am not attempting to dismiss or shame this attraction by labeling it as a fetish — I am simply objectively labeling it by its definition. And it is important that we keep these definitions separate because the two are not the same.
There is no other way that one could describe it. “ A form of sexual desire in which gratification is strongly linked to a particular object or activity “, crossdressing is a particular activity. Just because something is a fetish does not mean that it is bad.
“ Is such attraction any different from a heterosexual man attracted to a cisgender woman” I am not meaning to imply that the attraction is different, merely that “ being into crossdressers” is not a sexuality, it is a fetish. When it comes to sexuality, being into crossdressers could mean you are essentially of any sexuality that has attraction to masculinity or men, or even something like gynesexual where you are attracted to men so long as they are presenting feminine. However, the crossdressing portion of this is still a fetish because it is meant to be done almost exclusively for sex. While crossdressers might be a bit more than that, generally their ultimate identity is a man, and dressing this way is not a representation of their gender — so if used for sexuality, then yes, surely it must be a fetish… But there is nothing wrong with that. The only problem comes whenever it is asserted that what I am doing is also a fetish; because this is a lot more for me, and involves my whole life.
Honestly, on the “ minefield nature of a transgender woman and a trans-attracted man coming together,” no honestly I would disagree and say that is not my experience at all. I find a lot of the men who are interested in me do very much make things into a minefield, but whenever someone actually treats me correctly it is smooth as butter. You can be with a transgender woman without making her feel like she is different to other women. You can treat transgender women as if there is no expectation of them to fulfill the traditional role of the man’s gender role in sex. And if you really understood what being transgender is like for transgender people, then you would understand that even asserting that it is expected that they should fill this role is going to cause dysphoria. I’m sorry, but you can’t control how a gender group is going to react to you putting sexual expectations on them, especially when those same sexual expectations have been put on them their entire life.
Do you know what the majority of transgender women want? We just want to be treated like what we are, women. If you’re pulling us aside from other women because of what is in our shorts and having different expectations for us compared to other women, then surely I would say that you are not treating transgender women as they want to be treated.
If you, as a man, direct-messaged a transgender man and asked if he wanted his vjj smashed, wouldn’t that be offensive? Because you are implying that this man would like to have sex in a way that is typical of a woman purely because they have the vagina, given that you likely wouldn’t ask this of a man with a penis who identifies as a masculine man?
“ i can have everything I want”
Oh, that’s great, Perry — I had no idea. What I want is civil rights, can you give me those? Because that is what I want, Perry. Point being, while the world might work that way for some and you can go do whatever you want, it is silly to assert that my life is exactly the same. What I want is not to have to deal with people trying to influence me to be something I am not. One of my first experiences as a transgender woman, and this was ancient I was a teenager, I was wearing a wig and the person I was with asked me to take it off. You have no idea how much “ just act like a man” or “ well, I know plenty of feminine men but you’re the only one who has an ‘ identity’” or what have you.
I am not looking to others to affirm my personal identity. That is not what I am looking for when I am describing gender-affirming experiences. What I am describing is experiences that don’t challenge my identity. That don’t imply that for some reason I should be different to other people who have my identity because of my genitals. The data on this particular topic is also quite overwhelming; transgender people with more affirming communities are remarkably happier and remarkably less-likely to kill themselves.
I am an exceedingly objective person. I think of everything with reasoning, and still I find the assertion that I can just “ do whatever I want” comes from a position of someone who clearly has no idea what it is likely to be a transgender woman. I can’t do what I want, and I cannot go where I want. There are places that I am definitely not safe being at, and there are places where I am refused service. And i’m not “ imagining that” or whatever, I have had situations where I had to sleep in my car because I had hotel reservations and the front desk person wouldn’t let me check in because I was transgender. I have also been evicted solely for being transgender, my landlord showed up banging on my door calling me a tranny one day and next thing you know I am in court being evicted, and the conservative judge smiled as he evicted me — genuinely, this all happened to me and that is just scratching the surface. All of this has happened in less than 3 years, but beyond that I have also been attacked 4 times, one of which where I actually ended up having to defend myself (I had a knife attached to me by a garter belt shwing!). So to infer that I can create my own reality, despite these circumstances, and remain perfectly happy with those experiences and how I am treated in society is completely appalling.
wait… what?
I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that anyone who has been through this would ever say what you just said. This isn’t just emotionally hard, it is physically hard. You have to endure social and physical hardships between assault and your general treatment by society and institutions, and to claim that any of that is just brought on by my mind, and not outside forces, feels like you’re slapping every transgender woman in the face, honestly. Invalidating our experiences by saying we are choosing to feel this way. Oh? Then I guess transgender men aren’t really upset about their closeted life with their cisgender wives? I guess they are just spinning that negative experience onto their lives? I guess your negative experiences with transgender women also aren’t valid because you could always just ignore when we treat you like a chaser and “ quit giving power to these emotions.” I don’t invalidate your experiences as a trans-amorous person, so why are you invalidating my experiences and how I feel and quite literally saying “ well, just don’t feel that way,” when at the same time all of your articles are dedicated primarily towards expressing the hardships associated with being a trans-attracted man?
So transgender women, a social group without all civil rights in most states, and no civil rights in 8 states… A social group that is 4 times more likely to experience some form of sexual or domestic assault, a group that is nearly 50-percent more likely to commit suicide… Have to deal with constant assertions that they are more masculine than transgender women, and often get disowned by their own parents… Are just willing their problems into fruition, and shouldn’t be “ giving power” to these negative experiences.
Whereas trans amorous men our otherwise, a social group that is essentially indistinguishable from other social groups in presentation as trans-amorous, might feel forced to be with a cisgender woman and have a hetero-normative cis family, and are often forced to hide (and crucially, are able to hide) their attraction to transgender people deserve a whole publication to complain about those issues?
To be clear, I am not saying that they don’t — but I would be amazed if you did not see the flaws with this thought process. If anything, YOUR issues aren’t physical and are purely emotional and mine are physical! At least I have really tangible and objective laws I am upset about, and real violence that I have experienced for being transgender. Have you ever been attacked for being trans-attracted? So what sense does that make?
I think a publication for trans-amorous men to express their hardships is a great thing. What I am not okay with is your constant framing of transgender women as “ choosing hardship” when these things are completely out of our control. We’re literally just trying to live our lives.
You have no idea how much it pisses me off when people pretend this isn’t real. Why? Because making the issues I am trying to bring awareness to to advance my (and future transgender youth’s) social equity and civil rights sound like nothing more than “ a reality I am creating” and something “ I chose” completely invalidates any need for those civil rights or that social equity. You are feeding the very idea that everything is fine for us — somehow — when we don’t have civil rights.
While I am perfectly happy, this does not mean that I am happy with the way I am treated. Just because I have a hard experience
I didn’t choose this, but trans-amorous men do in fact choose to stick themselves in a relationship with a cisgender woman and often get married to those women despite the awareness of transgender attraction. That is a choice that put you into an emotional situation, being transgender was not a choice but I am still being put in an — arguably way more emotional — situation.
Now I don’t think that just because a trans-amorous person is with a cisgender woman, this invalidates their experience and feelings. I think that trans-amorous men who feel forced into this situation do have a right to complain about how society treats them and the stigma attached to them… So then my question is, why aren’t transgender women allowed to then?? And yet you wonder why we feel so hopeless … Even those who claim to love us most don’t care to hear us voice our experiences or complaints about how we are treated both legally and socially.
i’m not the problem, but okay …
To assert on top of this that other people misunderstanding my gender identity, which seems to be very clearly defined, and mislabeling aspects of me characterized through that identity is somehow “ my fault” to me also feels really appalling. The bottom line is if I am a transgender woman, you shouldn’t be treating me different to any other woman just because of the “ transgender” part of that. That’s not my problem, that’s your guys’ problem — and its founded in a fundamental belief that there is something intrinsically different about transgender women because they have different genitals.
Once again, there would also be no issue if this wasn’t phrased in a way that was typical for a woman. But they don’t say “ will you top me” to these ciswomen, many of them wouldn’t even know what it meant, they say other things.
Also I would definitely argue that a lot more of these pegging anecdotes come from long-term (often married) couples where the man finally confesses this is something he wants… Rather than from an initial interactions. It does not matter, either way though (irrelevant.)
“ And yes, their predisposition is on the lookout for that. So indeed they WOULD assume the women they are interested in would peg them, if, they are honest about their desire.”
Yeah, no. I’m going to have to hard disagree on this one too. You shouldn’t predispose your sexual fantasies and desires onto another complete stranger and assume they are interested in what you are interested in. I am a massochist, but I don’t assume that every guy I talk to is a sadist… Because not every man is a sadist, obviously. To me this one also makes no sense.
Let’s run with the pegging example. If I wanted to get pegged by a woman, I wouldn’t go to Tinder and expect women there to be into pegging. It would be nearly impossible to find someone who just happens to coincide with this desire like this. Simply because less women want to do it in the first place (because they identify as women) and also because I am selecting a random sample of women. If I wanted to find a woman to peg me, I wouldn’t get that person from a random sample of women — I would explicitly search out a femdom. You wouldn’t expect the average cisgender woman to be a femdom because they are not. But then these “ are you top or bottom messages” are messages that the general transgender population receives all the time — while the ciswomen do not… Almost as if men suspect they are more likely to be femdoms, solely because in their mind — the penis sexual organ makes them more likely to be dominant.
really…?
Yeah, no.
I’m not going to lie, you really lost me in this second half. First off, sure — I have trans-attracted men, or rather — one specific man — to thank for emotional experiences that I would definitely say helped drive me away from suicidal thoughts. Those suicidal thoughts though, were also caused by a “ trans-attracted man” calling me “ a man in a dress.” So while you are claiming that somehow they are my savior, and I can acknowledge that there are positive experiences that have come from this group, the negative experiences far outweigh the bad. If you cut me open then give me a bandage, you don’t get to brag about getting me a bandage.
This idea that transgender women cannot survive in a world without trans-attracted men, or are somehow dependent on trans-attracted men I feel is really arrogant. We are fully capable of caring for ourselves. Most of us transition on our own anyway, because men don’t usually treat transgender women very well when they are undergoing this transition — and honestly, neither do transgender women — or anyone for that matter.
You can, in fact, be attracted to transgender people and hold transphobic beliefs as the motivation for that attraction… An apt comparison wouldn’t be “ white people accidentally saying something a little racist they heard on FOX News,” An apt comparison would be a white man fetishizing a black woman before the civil rights movement for being black. And then furthering this by making assertions, maybe he asks “ are you hairy?“ because in his mind black women are more hairy than white women. That’s racist because most women are not hairy, and black women are not especially hairy…
Likewise, I quite frequently get asked if I shave my legs online… But most women shave their legs, so are you saying that many transgender women do not? It is in fact transphobic, and in a very basic form that is pretty hard to refute in all honesty. Because you are saying that I am not a woman, unlike women with a vagina — if you are saying I should not be treated like that social group. If every transgender woman says it is transphobic, then it is probably transphobic. Just like if every black person agrees something is racist then it is probably racist.
Could you imagine if you told me something was racist, and then I said “ No its not, you clearly don’t know the definition of racism” … and then more black people continued to write to me and I continued to argue that it wasn’t racist?
How are you going to tell me I don’t know when someone else is prejudiced against me? As if I am some sort of moron or something and don’t know how to use words? No, you’re just wrong, and don’t understand transphobia — but for some reason want to educate a transgender woman on it. When I say “ I am a woman,” part of that identity is also my submissive sexual identity, which is very much representative of something that aligns with the identity of woman. Women can have something else, that’s fine! But don’t expect anything else! There is a reason that the names man and woman are attached to it, and sexual expectations are part of it.
no… I really don’t get it, to be honest.
Honestly no, I don’t date anymore. I don’t have these problems. I’ve been with the same person for like 2 years now. We have literally no problems whatsoever, and the entire reason that is the case is because he just treats me like he would any other girl. It isn’t complicated, it is simple, that is all that the vast majority of transgender people want. I don’t need him, that’s a childish “ Andrew Tate Alpha Male” perspective on the dynamics between men and women. I don’t NEED him, but we are mutually beneficial for each-other.
Beyond that, he also allows me to confide in him — and understands that my experiences aren’t the easiest. Instead of saying “ you are creating the reality you are living…” blah blah bullshit, instead he holds me, makes me feel better and comforts me — if he did the former, I would dump him on the spot, and we probably never would have gotten together in the first place.
So no, these problems that you associate between trans-attracted people and transgender women are not problems that I necessarily would say exist or do not exist. It seems like a large percentage of you just don’t understand transgender women, claiming that someone else’s lack of awareness on the very basic “ treat me like a woman” principle — that takes 5 seconds to figure out — is somehow my fault? And I am just supposed to expect that every person is going to in some way treat me as they would a man?
No! That’s bullshit!
Because I have been in relationships that are not gender-affirming, and I have been in relationships that are gender-affirming. There are strong, noticeable emotional differences between the two. From the sounds of it, you are the former not the latter.
i’m sorry
I’m sorry for being rude, but fucking seriously?? How about showing me some respect as an adult? I’m not delusional, and asserting that I am serves a very clear purpose of invalidating the things that I say as an experience that means nothing because I could have just “ willed it away”. If anything, the person that is arguing that all emotional problems can just be “ willed away” is probably a lot more delusional than I am. Honestly I just hope that the themes I want to convey get through your head this time. Because this notion that “ the majority of transgender people who complain about how others treat them, and don’t understand this isn’t transphobic, they are just creating a reality then living it” is incredibly harmful towards my population group. And honestly, fuck you for saying all of that period. You don’t get to go under the guise of trans-amoury
Do I think you are trans-amorous? Nope. Trans amorous people are like my boyfriend, willing to listen and show affection and support to help us through these issues rather than invalidating them. If you love a social group, then I doubt you are going to complain because they are voicing the problems that they VERY CLEARLY FACE on a day-to-day basis. I would say I care about trans-amorous men, and their issues, which is why I never invalidated any of yours or those featured in your stories’ experiences, because I know they are hard in their own way.
And mine are harder, dramatically harder, in their own way, so where do you get off telling me as if you know? There is nothing stopping you from dressing up as me and coming out here to Alabama to try it for yourself. I GUARANTEE it would change your mind.
I am tired of my life being this hard, but I am perfectly okay with dealing with it. I’m happy just to be myself. Just because I face hardship does not mean I am not happy with myself, either. I don’t feel I am any less of a woman because someone calls me a tranny or a fag, I just feel alienated and bullied by the society around me. I’m sorry, but no, it’s fucking incredibly hard. No amount of “ putting it in your mind to be better” is going to overcome all of the social, systemic, and legal issues that my people are facing — which is a lot of all of them, literally more than every other social group so I just don’t get how someone who “ loves us” is saying this, honestly.
Do I think you are trans-attracted? Yelp.
Do I think you are transphobic? Of course not.
Do I think the things you have said are transphobic? Nope, not that either. Though the claim that somehow “ transgender women need _” is getting pretty close, but I would say if you believe the same for cis women then you are just sexist. Because there is nothing about a woman that requires a man… And to infer otherwise implies that women must be emotionally or physically dependent to a man, which is not the case as women can be independent, dependent, or providers — and in all honesty knowing you so far I doubt you disagree with any of that.
Do I think the things you have said are harmful to transgender people? Absolutely. Because now more people believe that when transgender people voice these issues, they are simply complaining. You are spreading a narrative that says “ trans women are exaggerating their issues, so don’t listen to them” Quite counter-intuitive towards advancing transgender rights, which I would presume someone who loves transgender women would be trying to do.
Overall, I think reading and responding to these is just going to piss me off, so maybe I shouldn’t. I have just experienced so much as a direct result of being transgender that was completely awful and no one should have to go through, so to then read — from someone who — from the anecdotes clearly does not have to deal with these things — a direct invalidation of those experiences, which damage me in more ways than just “ emotions I am giving power”, such as my eviction record as a result of getting evicted for being transgender that makes it incredibly hard for me to find housing on top of the legal housing discrimination on the basis of gender here in Alabama. What part of that can I “ just get over?” exactly? And what part of that was “ created by me,” even IF you were a transgender woman saying these things — your experiences — or your techniques for handling your personal emotions do not invalidate the experiences of others. For example, a transgender woman in Los Angeles might say “ oh, well I have never had any of these ‘ eviction problems’” without realizing that California has civil rights for transgender people.
Point is, you have no idea what it is like. And if you did, you would definitely shutup and listen. That’s all from me, I will read your reply but I likely will not respond solely because I hate feeling like I sound angry, and I really feel like to some degree this is being more destructive than productive for me personally, because I am just kind of appalled at some of your “ brilliant” “ ideas” about transgender women. It is 6 AM, I didn’t sleep, I am tired; I am not proofreading this. Goodnight.
